Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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