finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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