you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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