Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize