Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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