the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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