and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
