Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize