Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
