Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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