I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
