Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
