Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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