oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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