I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize