one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
it was like eating out sand paper
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
