I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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