Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize