i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
as a side note pls kill me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
