Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
