When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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