Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
