Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
