i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
