I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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