LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
