pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
