Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
