I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
