so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
