I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize