My first STD was from a foam party
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
