I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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