I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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