I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
