I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
