3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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