she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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