im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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