you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
