So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
