I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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