Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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