I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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