A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
