that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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