i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
honey bunches of taint.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
