So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
