I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
