My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
