I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
