I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
