remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize