She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
