Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
