It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
