I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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