Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I can't turn off my feet"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
